Momma's Little Ed: Eddy's Version
by High Planes Drifter
Summary: Ch. 3 of 3. A first-person retelling, from Eddy's POV, of that episode wherein Ed and Eddy inflict all those fake sticky notes on Double-D. Hey, Eddy isn't -quite- as thoughtless as he sometimes seems! Er, well, kinda...
1. The Sticky Notes of Mild Discomfort

**Author's note:  
**Hmm, this isn't quite like my 'redux' stories – while it _is_ a retelling of an actual episode, I'm not changing anybody's basic character.  Much.  Instead, I'm letting Eddy explain what's happening – I've never done anything in first-person before, so I thought it'd be fun!  I flip-flopped quite a while before deciding to post it, though – what do you think?  Is it too much like just watching the episode, or is it (fun/different/at least not too stab-yourself-in-the-eye painful) (circle one) to see things from Eddy's perspective?  I hope it's more the latter, but hey, let me know either way!

And please, don't -really- stab yourself in the eye, no matter what you think of it.  Or if you do, just don't tell me about it – being the cause of an actual eye-gouging could really shake a writer's confidence, you know?

Um.  Anyway, on to the show…

~High Planes Drifter~  
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It was another exciting day at Double-D's house.  You can tell I'm being sarcastic, right?  Me and Ed had been waiting _forever _for him to finish up all his stupid chores – and he was still at it!  Yeah, he's a wild one.

So while we were waiting, we played pool with some eggs we'd found.  You think we should've been helping Double-D instead?  What are you, stu – I mean, uh, you gotta understand something.  Ed, and helping?  Well, his heart's in the right place – it's just too bad his brain's usually off on planet Moronex.  If he got involved, the place would've blown up faster than you can say 'cash for Eddy!'  And since there _was_ no way of gettingcash for Eddy by blowing up Double-D's house, eh, I figured I could help most by keeping Ed distracted.  So if you think I was just being lazy, you can stuff it.

Maybe Double-D thought we were being lazy, too, though, because just then he came stomping out of the kitchen wearing his best 'huffy' look.  "What's going on in here?"  His anti-fun radar must've been going off.

The last thing I needed was another one of his lectures, so I put on my no-fail 'innocent' face.  "Nothing!  What?"  My brother taught me that look.  Works every time.

Probably would've worked then, too, but that's when Ed's little raisinette-brain must've started overheating.  He looked at the eggs we'd just smashed against the wall, and laughed.  "Bingo!"

I laughed, too.  You've just gotta love him.  "Heh, bingo, good one."

Double-D didn't think it was so good, though.  "Can you two _try_ to behave?"  Man, I hate it when he gets all bossy like that.  Does he think he's our mom or something?  Sheesh.  He even had the nerve to march back into the kitchen before I could zing him with one of my snappy comebacks – what's up with that?

So I was ticked.  Who could blame me?  I followed him into the kitchen, ready to put an end to his stupid chore junk and get him working on something more luc – uh, lu-crr – something that'd make me some cash – but then I saw what he was up to.  Oh, geez.

He was so into his sewing, he didn't even notice when I walked up behind him.  That just ain't right!  At least he made up for it by jumping like fifteen feet in the air when he finally did see me.  I love it when he freaks out like that.  Oh, come on; don't even _try_ to tell me it ain't funny!  

I snickered at him.  "Gee whiz, Double-D, I never knew you were into such girly stuff!"

"Household chores are not just for girls, _Eddy_."  Oh yeah, I think I hit a nerve!  "And if you must know, I was asked to mend the curtains by mother – every child should blah-blah-blah…"

You know, some people think Double-D's hard to understand 'coz he uses such big words all the time.  And okay, he _does _like to show off that egghead vocabulary of his – but even worse is that he's always using about fifty times _more_ words than he needs to to say anything – by the time he stops for air, you've forgotten what he was talking about in the first place!  Like here – any normal person would've just told me to shut up.  Or if it was _me_, I would've come back with something snappy like, "I'm more girly than – " uh, no, wait – I meant like, "I'm not – "…uh…yeah, you get the point.  Double-D, though, has to give me his whole life history.  Sheesh.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah – Sock-head was still yammering about his chores.  Yawn.  Good thing Ed was around to liven things up.

"I must eat your brain!"  Count Dumb-ula had wrapped himself up in Double-D's curtains…which were still in the sewing machine – how could I resist?  A quick step on the pedal, and the big lug was sewn up like some freak-show attraction – come one, come all, and see the Amazing No-Brained Curtain Boy!

And the weirdest part of all was that he liked it!  "I am all dressed up and ready to go, guys!"  I can't even begin to tell you what's going on inside his head, but it's _gotta_ be scary.

I rolled my eyes.  "Fashion victim."  See?  Now _there's_ one of those snappy comebacks I was talking about!  "Let's go, Double-D!"

"In a minute!  First, a quick survey to see if I missed any parental sticky notes!"  

Quick, my foot.  He kept running back and forth, grinning like an idiot as he looked for more notes.  It was so pathetic!

Well…okay.  You wanna know what's really pathetic?  Keep this under your hat, but me and Ed got into Double-D's parents' room once, and you know what?  They don't even sleep in the same bed anymore!  No foolin'!  Hey, I ain't stupid, I watch enough talk-shows to know what that means – looks like mommy and daddy don't want any more 'accidents,' if you catch my drift.  And what's worse is that they treat Double-D sort of like a pet you don't really want – they're nice enough to him when they're around, I guess, but they don't exactly go out of their way or nothing.

I guess maybe that's why he gets so worked up over those sticky notes – they're like the only thing that lets him know they ever even think about him, and hey, if all they're thinking is 'gee, _I_ sure don't wanna do the wash today,' well, I guess if that's all you get, you take it.

It stinks.  But, well, I guess everyone's got problems, huh?  And hey, me and Ed would've been glad to pay him some real attention, if only he'd knock off all the stupid chores.  That's right – he was still at it!  I was about ready to scream, I was so bored.  And as if that wasn't bad enough, I found a note he'd missed.  We were gonna be there all day!  "Oh great, what's this one say?  'Dear Edward, stop breathing 'coz the sink's clogged?'"  I mean, come on, he's a kid and it's summer, he's supposed to be outside having fun!  Hey, helping me fleece the masses counts as fun, all right?  All those suckers out there just – ooh, did I say sucker?

Now, _this_ could be fun.

"If it's chores Double-D wants, it's chores Double-D gets!"  If he wasn't gonna help me scam anybody, the least he owed me was a little entertainment.  I figured we could have a good laugh with some really ridiculous sticky notes – and maybe if he saw how insane all those stupid notes were, he'd forget about 'em for now so we could finally get to work.  "Nothing like a little forgery to spark up the day!"  I used all the counterfeiting skills my brother had taught me to copy the handwriting to a T.  It didn't look half-bad, either!  "See?"  I held it up for Ed to admire.  "This is Mommy's note, and this is my exact copy!"

"That is so lame, Eddy!"  Uh, I'm sure Ed meant 'cool'.  The big lug ain't too bright, you know.

I glared at him as he started making his own version.  "And you're like a human photocopier, right?"  Like the Incredible Laughing Banana-Head could do better than _me_!

"Dare to compare!"  He held up his note.

Oh, all right, so his _was_ pretty good, okay?  I'd rather be the one in charge, anyway – after all, the actual writing was really just grunt work.  "Will you ever cease to amaze me, Ed?"  Could it be that Ed wasn't quite as dumb as he pretended to – 

"Yes, I will!"  Uh, scratch that last thought.  We had more important things to think about then, anyway, because Double-D was finally ready – time to put Ed's note to the test!

"Hey, Double-D, you're slipping 'coz you missed one!"  I pointed at Ed's note and tried to seem annoyed.

Sock-head looked thrilled, at first.  "'Dear Edward,'" Here's the part where it gets good. "'Insert broom-lint in your…belly…button – Love, Mom'?"  You rarely get to see him looking confused, but he was blown away just then.  "Oh my…"

I never thought he'd do it.  I mean, come on, he's like the smartest kid on the block!  Not to mention, he's such a freak when it comes to all that 'cleanliness' junk – he keeps rubber gloves and a gas mask in his pockets, for cryin' out loud!  But rebellion ain't really his thing.  I don't think it ever even occurred to him not to do what the note said.  I try to help him get over that, sometimes, but for now – oh, man, if you could've seen the look on his face as he stuck that broom lint in his belly-button, you would've cracked up, too!  And we still had a whole stack of sticky notes left!  Hey, like I said, he owed me for all that time I'd been waiting so patiently…

Yeah, I know what you're thinking – "Oh, boo-hoo, that big mean Eddy's such a jerk!  Poor Double-D!"  Well, don't, all right?  Because pity stinks.  What do you think would happen if me and Ed went around treating him all fluffy-like just because his parents ignored him?  I'll tell you what – at best, it'd just bum him out, being treated differently and always having it shoved in his face how useless his folks are.  And at worst, he'd end up as some whiny crybaby sissy like Jimmy.  And then I'd have to kill him.  Nah, just kidding, but you get what I mean.

So think what you want, but I'm doing him a favor.  He needs to learn how to stand up for himself more, you know?  Well, not when I'm trying to get him to build me stuff, but other than that.  He ain't hopeless, especially with me around to set a good example of 'cool,' just like my brother did for me.  Believe it or not, I wasn't _always_ this slick, either!

And heck, if I could help out my buddy _and_ have a little fun at the same time…

"Double-D, a note I see there!" 

"Father's suit!  How could I miss that one?  'Dear Edward…'  Oh my…"

…hey, just call me Caring Eddy!

Heh-heh-heh…


	2. The Sticky Notes of Acute Distress

All right, so here's the scene – try to keep up, will ya?  We were all down at Rolf's so Double-D could play dress-up with Wilfred the pig, just like mommy and daddy had told him to do in their latest sticky note.

Only the note wasn't _really_ from his folks – you got that, right?  Yep, _I_ was the brains behind the whole scam – who else? – and Ed, well, I guess he helped out a little by writing the notes.  Oh yeah, the King of the Pranksters was back in action!

And if I was the King of the Pranksters, Double-D was definitely the Prince of Pigeons.  Those fake sticky notes had him fooled, hook, line, and sinker!  He pulled his dad's suit down over Wilfred's head just like a good little sucker, never even asking why his folks would want him to do something so stupid.  "Well, Wilfred, as strange as this may seem, you do look marvelous!"  Did he really mean that?  He couldn't have, could he?  Nah, he was probably just distracted by all that broom lint still in his belly button.

Never was a suit so un-annoying.  Me and Ed were ready to bust a gut!  Yeah, you heard me, Ed was laughing, too – ol' Monobrow enjoys a good dirty trick just as much as the next guy!  Or maybe he just thought he was still helping me stop 'Lizard Boy'...or maybe the termites in his head were tickling more than usual.  Eh, whatever.

Me, I was laughing at Double-D.  Who knew he could be such a sap?  "This is _too_ rich!"

"Rich?"  Oops, did he hear me?  "What's rich?"

It was time for some quick thinking.  "Uh, Wilfred's rich!"  Lucky I'm so fast on my head.  Um, feet.  "He looks like a million bucks!"

I'm sure that would've worked even if Rolf hadn't come over just then.  "Hello, Ed-boys.  Why must you spoil Wilfred with this lavish monkey suit?  This will only lead him to search for a life as an airline steward."  I used to think Rolf must sit around all day coming up with weird sayings like that, but now I think it just comes from breathing nothing but animal fumes all the time.  The guy _really_ needs to get off his farm and get some fresh air.

And speaking of people who could use a little more air to their brain…"Monkey suit?"  Now Ed was _really_ interested.  I think he was actually jealous of Wilfred!  You never know what's gonna spark the big guy off.

But Rolf ignored him.  "Speak to Rolf!"  I guess he didn't want to monkey around.  Hey, nice pun there, huh!  Yeah, you _wish you were as funny as me.  _

"Yeah, Double-D!"  I shoved him on over.  Well, _I_ sure as heck didn't wanna talk to Rolf – you can't make any cash off of him when he's all annoyed like that.  "Speak to Rolf!"

Double-D crashed into him and fell backwards.  Rolf didn't budge an inch.  We've just gotta get Double-D some dumbbells someday.  "Oh, there you are!"  He looked even more nervous than usual.  Heh!  "C-call it crazy, but it was a chore if you will, a hand-written request by father – we communicate through sticky notes."  He actually seemed proud of that last bit.  Like it was every kid's dream or something.  Man, have his folks messed him up good, or what?

I got the heck out of there at that point.  Rolf's an interesting guy, but you can never really tell how he's gonna react to something.  "Rolf respects your vow to uphold the sticky notes of elders."  Well, seemed like Double-D would get off easy this time, no stupid fish-fights or anything.  Oh well.  "Yet, you must be punished."  That's when Rolf put on this huge, hammer-shaped hat.  Whoops, did I say Double-D was gonna get off easy?  Oh man, this was gonna be good.  Uh, I mean bad.  Yeah, bad.

Now, if it was me, I would've been a mile away right then.  Double-D just stood and stared.  "W-what is that, Rolf?"  _Run_, you idiot! 

"The Hat of Discipline, do you live in a cave?"  Rolf slammed – I mean, _slammed_! – Double-D with the hat.  Geeze, that had to hurt!  "All is forgiven."

"Th-thank you, Rolf."  Oh man.  Always with the manners, eh Double-D?

I hate it when he lets people get away with junk like that.  It ticks me off, you know?  He's always so worried about his rules and his manners and about always being 'nice' to everyone, like he thinks the world's gonna end if he ever does something impolite.  And there's a big problem with that – I don't think Miss Manners ever says it's okay to haul off and sock somebody, not even if they've just pounded you into the dirt with a giant hammer on their head.  It just ain't right!  And it's not good for him either – I mean, just think how easy it'd be to take advantage of someone like that!  

Lucky he's got me around to look out for him and to set a good example.  No one could ever take advantage of _me_, 'coz _I_ live by my own rules.  Now, pay attention, because there's a good one coming up:

"Look, Double-D, we've found another note!"

Yep, that's Eddy Rule Number Four:  Never quit when you've got a good thing going.  Got it?  Good.  You owe me a quarter for the lesson.

*****

You're never gonna believe what we got Double-D to do next.  Think big, think mean, think bowling alley stink and bullfrog looks.  Yeah, that's right – Sock-head had a date with the Kankers!

"This is so absurd, Eddy!"  Gee, he wasn't nearly so excited about those sticky notes any more!  "What's come over Mother and Father?"  I actually had to push him along to get him to obey the sticky note this time.  Of course, I would've stopped if he'd really made me.  What?  I would!

"You read the note, Double-D!"  I gave him another shove.  He kept backpedaling, but for all the difference it made, he could've been on wheels.  If we don't get him some dumbbells soon, at least maybe we could get him some heavier shoes, or, I dunno, some cleats or something.  "Don't be a chicken!"

Whoops, did I say chicken?  Saying anything about those stupid birds can be dangerous when Ed's around, but I guess he was too busy thinking about bananas or something just then because he just laughed and yelled, "I'm a monkey!"  Well, I couldn't argue with him there!  He was wearing that suit he'd taken off of Wilfred, even though it was way too small on him – you'd see where Double-D gets his macho build from if you ever met his dad – and I'm sure it smelled better on the pig than on ol' Lumpy!  But hey, at least it kept him happy, and at least he wasn't wrecking anything, so I guess it was a good thing.

Anyway, when we got to the trailer park those three ugly freaks were already outside, so I shoved Double-D over to them and then hid as fast as I could.  Not that I was scared, but I didn't wanna distract 'em from Double-D with my good looks.  It ain't easy being this handsome, you know!

The Kankers hadn't noticed him yet, though, so he still could've run away.  I was sure he would – I was even ready to throw something to get them to look up – but you know what?  Double-D actually went through with it!  "H-hello?  Oh, uh…"  He was shaking so bad, I might actually have felt sorry for him if I just could've stopped laughing long enough.  Hey, it was funny, all right?  "I-I was going to…"  

That's when the Kankers swarmed him.  It was like some really warped version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

"Ask me for a date?"  Ugly.

"Sweep me off my feet?"  Uglier.

"Stand in line, girls!"  Ugliest!

Geeze, aren't there any trailer-park _guys_ around for those bowsers to chase after?

"Oh, heh-heh, y-yes…"  Yeah, that's it, Sock-head.  Wow 'em with your amazing stammering and sweating action.  "Could I trouble you for a c-cup of sugar?"  I've gotta hand it to me, though – it wasn't so long ago that Double-D would've just fainted dead away in a situation like that.  See?  I _am _helping him!

Just maybe not right then.  The Kankers grabbed him as I tried not to laugh out loud and spoil the romantic mood.

"Ladies, please!"  Always a gentleman, huh, Double-D?

"We're _ladies_!"

"Let's kiss him!"

"Kiss?"  I hadn't seen a look like that on his face since the time Ed had gotten into his chemistry set.  I guess both times he knew something really bad was about to happen.  "No!  Not that!"  It was the best thing I'd seen in, like, forever.  Man, who knew a Kanker attack could be so much fun!  I've _got_ to try that again sometime when I've got a camera with me.

I elbowed Ed.  "And I thought the day was going to be a write-off – get it?  _Write_-off?"  I oughta be a comedian!

I guess it went over Ed's head, though.  Or maybe he was just too worried about Double-D's head – the Kankers had finally let him go, but not before roughing him up a bit.  I still don't know how they managed to jam him into that hat of his!  "Oh no, they tore off Double-D's head!"

Eh, he'd be all right, he's tougher than he thinks he is.  Kind of.  Well, at any rate, he'd be all right.  And _I'd_ be feeling a whole lot better as soon as I had some more entertainment!  "Hurry up, Ed!  Write another note!"  Those sticky notes were almost as good as cash!  Was there anything we couldn't get Sock-head to do?

"Well, if it ain't Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum!"

Mommy!  Oh, er, uh – yawn, oh look, the Kankers had spotted us.

"You take the short yappy one, Lee!"  What was up with that?  Did she mean _me_?  I'm just as tall as Ed, even if I do slouch a little more than him – and Sock-head's the yapper, not me!

"I'll take the big goofy one, Lee!"

Well, I couldn't let 'em get Ed, could I?  "Run, Ed!"  Ed's a bagful of laughs, but he's a little slow on the uptake – maybe you've noticed – so I figured I'd better show him what I meant.  If I'd been there on my own, though, I never would've torn off like that.

"Wait for me, Eddy!"  See?  The big lug followed me like a puppy.  Lucky for him, I take care of my friends.

Boy, I'll tell ya – what would those guys do without me?


	3. The Sticky Notes of the Apocalypse!

**Author's Note:  **Heya, just wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed thus far – goodness, you guys are making my head swell up bigger than a breadbox! ;)  Well, I'm glad folks are liking this, I must say it's been a fun one to write!  Anyway, this is the last chapter, so thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.  Oh, and Saje, thanks for the suggestions on future stories – I honestly dunno yet what my next one will be, but rest assured, your ideas are under consideration! =)

Okey-doke, enough blathering…

~High Planes Drifter~  
**************

"Double-D, you should've seen the look on your face!"  We were back at my place now since we – er, Double-D and Ed – were pretty shaken up after the Kankers and needed someplace to lay low for a while.  I even managed not to laugh right in Double-D's face…at least not until he finally got his hat back on right and I could actually see it!  Oh man, he looked like he'd been swarmed by mosquitoes!  With really big lips!  That, um, kissed instead of bit…yeah.

Well, trust me, it was _funny_.  And the best part was that Double-D was dealing with it in his usual calm, cool way.  You do know what Double-D's usual calm, cool way is, right?  Think 'Chihuahua on a caffeine high.'  I love that!  "This is so out of control, Eddy!"  And didja ever notice how he's always turning to _me_ when something's freaking him out?  Yeah, I dunno why he does that, either, but it sure makes it easy to pull a fast one on him!  Is trust a great thing, or what?  "Mother and Father's requests have become unsound!  It's as though they were written by someone other than my parents!"

Uh-oh!  "Nope, it was them all right."  I had to give him something else to chew on before he figured things out and ruined all our fun.  "Who knows what the next sticky note will say?"

He gasped so hard, I thought he was gonna inhale my dresser.  "You're right, Eddy!  Do you hear it?  Distrust is knocking on my door!"  Yeah, he still talks like that, even when he's freaking out.  "Listen, could it be?"  The sound of total core meltdown?  "It's the STICKY NOTES OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!"

Sticky notes of the apocalypse!  What'd I tell ya, the guy's a riot!  I couldn't even breathe, I was laughing so hard!  Oh man, we could've pushed him right over the edge just then if we'd had another sticky note, but I couldn't stop laughing long enough to get Ed to write one.  Talk about your bad timing!

"I can't go home!"  Double-D was staring around like he thought sticky notes were gonna start jumping in the window at him.  "There's only one solution, I'll just move in with one of you!"

"Move in with me!"  Oh, darn, Ed offered before I could.  "We could be like brothers and share the same bathroom!"  Yeah right, Double-D can't even _look _at Ed's bathroom without washing his hands.  If he ever found out about that giant ball of eyebrow hair behind the toilet – well, that'd be it, his brain would snap.  And – oh man, just _think_ of it – Sock-head, stuck in the same house as _Sarah_!  _Why_ didn't I get him to go along with that?

Too bad Double-D spoke up so darned quick.  "Thank you Ed, that's…nice."  Translation: 'I'd rather eat a taco pulled out of the sewer.'  Just once I'd like to hear him come out and say something like that, wouldn't you?  Hey, it's not like Lumpy would've minded – heck, he'd probably want a sewer-taco, too!  That would've been so much funnier than what really did happen next.  "B-but I'll stay with Eddy."  _That's_ when things stopped being funny.

Ed perked up like someone just gave him a whole jar of pickle juice.  "Ooh, ooh, I know!"

_What_ did he know?  And how come Double-D was starting to clean up?  He knows he's not supposed to touch anything unless I _have_ to clean my room – he always throws out stuff I wanna keep and I can never find anything afterwards.  What the heck was going on?  "Don't _I_ get a say in this?"

"Please submit any suggestions anonymously and I'll see if they fit in the plan!"  Double-D just kept going like he didn't even hear me!  Gimme a break, that's supposed to be _my _shtick!  

And Ed!  "Here is a bookshelf and a new ant farm!"  How could he turn on me like that?  Before I knew it, he'd wrecked my turntable _and_ my fireplace – what'd I tell you, he's a walking disaster area!

"I'm sure my ants will be very happy there!"  How could Double-D not care that Ed was messing up my stuff?  He's supposed to be my pal!  "Let me help you, Ed!"  

Help _what_?  Help take over _my _own personal room?!  I don't think so!  "Double-D, wait!  It was all a big joke!"  He didn't say anything, so just I kept going.  "Me and Ed – well, mostly Ed."  Hey, I couldn't take credit for Ed's hard work, could I?  "Wrote those silly sticky notes!"  Not that I was feeling guilty or anything, but all of a sudden I could barely work up a laugh.  "Funny, huh?"

He just stared at me.  He gets so touchy when I play tricks on him, like he doesn't even see how funny they are.  For a second I thought he was actually gonna get mad – at _me_, how unfair would _that _have been?  But he didn't.  "Reality check!  I think I can recognize my own parents' handwriting, Eddy!  Puh-_leeze_!"

Oh man, he didn't believe me!  I'm too good for my own good!  Now what?  I was trying to think of some other way to stop him, but that's when Ed really started messing with things.  Just remember that – what I did next was all _Ed's_ fault!

"I cut the air in two!"  The big ape was sawing at the air – _my_ air!  "This side's yours, Double-D!"

Uh, well, okay – I didn't even know you _could _cut air.  At first I thought it was just Ed being Ed, but then Double-D spoke up."We can share the air, Ed!"

Think about it – Sock-head knows way more about all that science junk than me and Ed, and he never misses a chance to yap about it when we're wrong.  If he was going along with it, it really _must_ be possible to split up the air!  "It's my air, I ain't sharing!"  The nerve of him, trying to barge in and breathe up half my air!  But that wasn't the worst of it.  "My rug!"

Double-D had dragged in the vacuum and sucked up my snazzy 70's rug like he owned the place!  "Shag rugs are a magnet for discarded nail clippings!"  _This_ is why I never let him touch my room if I don't have to – he's a monster when he's in cleaning mode!

That was bad enough, but then – "My magazines!"  Didn't he even notice he'd just vacuumed them up?

"Not to worry! I have plenty of educational material we can share!"  Well duh, that's what I was worried about!  Besides, you can learn a lot more important stuff from any of my magazines than from all Double-D's stupid books put together!

You'd betternot be laughing, there's nothing funny about what was going on!  Just think – not even an hour before, Double-D had been dressing up pigs and getting mauled by the Kankers.  How could such a great day suddenly go so bad?

Enough was enough.  "That's _it_!!"  Double-D quit vacuuming long enough to listen – I can always get his attention if I yell at him, I think it's 'coz I'm the only one who ever does.  Uh, that's the only reason I do it, you know – how're you supposed to get around in the world if you can't even deal with a little shouting?  "Put _back_ my magazines, my shag rug, and my air!"  Too bad Ed's not as easy to stop – oh, look, there goes my mirror ball.  Man, that's the third time this summer!

"Oops, it wasn't me!"  Yeah, right.  It's _always_ Ed.

So here's the scene: Ed was hanging from my ceiling, my mirror ball was smashed, my magazines were gone, my turntable was broke, and all my air was, um, cut.  So yeah, I was a little upset.  "Get outta my room!  You're a pest!"  Okay, I was a lot upset!

"Fine."  At least Double-D was smart enough to leave before I had to toss him out headfirst.  "No need to repeat yourself, no sir!  I'm a good listener!"  Oh, what, so I maybe hurt his feelings a little.  He still didn't need to be such a drama queen about it!  "I'll just sleep under a bench somewhere, seeing as I can't return to my home or rely on my friends."  Feh.

"Out with ya!"  Now don't you go getting all blubbery on me – you would've chucked him out, too!  He needed to learn you can't just go around messing with other people and their stuff, you know?  It just ain't right!

And Ed!  I went to give him a piece of my mind, but the big lug was looking at me like I'd just done something awful – like, I dunno, like I'd just kicked my best friend out into the street or something.  "What's with you?"  Hey, Double-D got what he deserved!  It's not like it was my fault he couldn't go back home!  "What?"  Or like it was my fault that he didn't have anywhere else in the whole world to go…"Stop looking at me like that…"  Nobody else to turn to, always coming to me first…"N-now look what you did!"

Don't even say it.  I _wasn't _getting all choked up – it's just that there was a lot of dust in the room from all that cleaning.  Getting in my eyes and all, you know?  And when I ran outside, I _wasn't_ going after Double-D, all right?  I was just getting some fresh air.  That's all.  I mean, sure, Double-D's my buddy, and okay, _maybe_ I let things get a _little_ out of hand with all those sticky notes – but that still doesn't mean anything.  Really!

Oh, okay, fine!  I was running after Double-D – you want a medal or something?  Geez, I don't see what the big deal is.

"Double-D!"  At least I didn't have to run far, he ain't exactly The Flash, you know.  I found him looking at a rock – I bet if I'd just left him alone, he'd have figured out a way to make it into some sort of, um…rock…house…thingy.  But nooo, I had to go and be all Mary Poppins about it.  "Double-D, don't touch that rock!"  

He wouldn't even look at me.  "It is yours, I suppose.  I'll go elsewhere."  Man, nobody does 'huffy' like Double-D.

"No, wait!"  What?  I couldn't let him go sleep under a bench, could I?  "You got it all wrong, pal!  It was all Ed's fault!"  Hmm, Ed can't even blink right without someone to tell him to close both eyes at once.  "And Kevin, as usual!"

"Kevin?  But Kevin wasn't in this show, Eddy!"  Double-D came up with this idea once that maybe our lives were just one big TV show, as if all that rotten luck we always have only happens because it's funny for the 'audience'.  He even did some calculations that he said 'proved' that that's the only way we could've survived some of the stupid junk that's happened to us.  Ed thought it was totally cool, he kept waving at the 'camera' until I finally told him he'd be written out if he didn't knock it off.  Me, I think it just proves that whole thing about how the smarter you are, the closer you are to the nut-house, too.

"There ya go!"  I didn't wanna encourage him with any more 'show' talk – the last time he really thought about it, he freaked out so bad we couldn't get him out of his room for two whole days!  "So my room's your room!"

I don't remember the last time I saw Sock-head so happy.  You'd think I'd just given him a new bottle of dish soap or something.  "Thank you Eddy!  Thank you!  You won't even know I was there!"  He practically fell all over himself to hug me, geez!  What if somebody saw?  What if _Nazz_ saw?

"Uh, our faces are touching, Double-D…"  I've just gotta teach him the art of the manly handshake.

*****

So that's how I ended up like this – it's bedtime now and I'm wiped out from spending the whole rest of the day watching – er, helping – Ed and Double-D fix-up my room.  Yeah, 'fix-up.'  I can't find my albums anymore, and I _know_ my lava lamp didn't always have a piece of toast floating in it!  All I want is to go to bed and forget this whole stupid day ever happened.

Only I can't.  Someone's already _in_ my bed.  Gee, can you guess who?

"Nice and comfy, Double-D?"  I should've just let him sleep under that rock.

"Tuck me, Eddy?"  Oh, geez.  This is what I get for being so nice.  I'll tell you, it just doesn't pay!  But what the heck, I'll tuck him in if it'll shut him up.  "Thank you, Eddy."

Yeah, whatever.  "Here's your warm milk…"  He says he never goes to sleep without a warm glass of milk and a bedtime story.  I feel like such a sissy.

We don't keep a lot of books around the house – Dad says books are only good for keeping people with more brains than personality away from those of us with actual lives.  But I remembered my brother had a whole stack of 'em in his room – I think he was planning some sort of textbook scam before he, uh, went away.  Oh well, at least they'll come in handy now.

I'm glad Double-D read the title, 'coz I sure couldn't.  "'Biology for the Astute'?"  Not even he would want to hear this one, right?  And, gee, since I don't _have_ any other books, I guess he'll just have to go to bed without his story.  "Good choice!"  Great.

Well, the sooner I start, the sooner I'll get this over with.  "And so from the still pond a young mosquito also known as a lar…"  Geez, how am I supposed to read this if they won't even use English?  "What's this word?"

"Larva, Eddy."  Of course Sock-head knows.  He probably has the whole book memorized already.

"Oh yeah."  Man, I can't believe his parents do this every night, no wonder he's so – 

Wait a minute.

His _parents_ read him a bedtime story every night?  His parents, who're hardly ever even _home_ when he goes to bed?  His parents, who probably carry a _sticky note _in their wallets instead of a picture to remind themselves of him?!?

That dirty, double-crossing _sneak_!  He _did_ believe me when I told him the truth about those fake sticky notes!  He had me feeling so bad, I let him trash my room and sleep in my bed all while I was waiting on him hand-and-foot – and it was all a scam!!  That lying, good-for-nothing weasel!  That smug little – that, that…

That…_Eddy_!

I _am_ rubbing off on him!

I don't know if I should be proud, or if I should be making him pay for this.  I mean, come on, nobody pranks the King of the Pranksters!  How am I supposed to scam people if I have to worry about them scamming me back?  Yeah, I definitely oughta flush that hat of his down the toilet.  Heck, I oughta flush _him_ down the toilet!  But…well…um, hey, I can't give him the satisfaction of knowing I know he got me, right?  Uh, yeah…

All right.  I'll let him get away with it.  Just this once.

What?  Yeah, shut up.  Let's see, where was I in that stupid book?

"You know, Eddy, before bed Mother and Father would usually massage my feet, it relaxes me so!"

Okay, I'm definitely flushing his hat as soon as he's asleep.  _And _getting pictures.

Nah, just kidding.

Maybe.


End file.
